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  HIS PORN, HER PAIN

  Confronting America’s PornPanic with Honest Talk About Sex

  Marty Klein, PhD

  The individual and couples experiences recounted in this book are true. Names and details have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.

  Nothing herein should be construed as offering medical, psychological, or legal advice.

  Copyright © 2016 by Marty Klein, PhD

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Names: Klein, Marty, author.

  Title: His porn, her pain : confronting America’s pornpanic with honest talk about sex / Marty Klein, PhD.

  Description: Santa Barbara, California : Praeger, 2016. | Includes bibliographical references and index.

  Identifiers: LCCN 2016025435 (print) | LCCN 2016035513 (ebook) | ISBN 9781440842863 (hard copy : alk. paper) | ISBN 9781440852213 (pbk.) | ISBN 9781440842870 (ebook)

  Subjects: LCSH: Pornography—United States. | Internet pornography—United States. | Sex—United States. | Sexual ethics—United States.

  Classification: LCC HQ472.U6 K59 2016 (print) | LCC HQ472.U6 (ebook) | DDC 363.4/70973—dc23

  LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2016025435

  ISBN: 978-1-4408-4286-3 (hardcover)

  ISBN: 978-1-4408-5221-3 (paperback)

  EISBN: 978-1-4408-4287-0

  20 19 18 17 16 1 2 3 4 5

  This book is also available as an eBook.

  Praeger

  An Imprint of ABC-CLIO, LLC

  ABC-CLIO, LLC

  130 Cremona Drive, P.O. Box 1911

  Santa Barbara, California 93116-1911

  www.abc-clio.com

  This book is printed on acid-free paper

  Manufactured in the United States of America

  To John Gagnon, PhD (1931–2016),

  Who inspired me to become a sociologist

  and

  To James Petersen, Playboy Advisor Emeritus,

  Who taught me how to write about sexuality

  CONTENTS

  Acknowledgments

  FAQs

  Introduction.

  “What would happen if America were flooded with free, high-quality pornography?”

  PART I.

  Context

  Chapter 1.

  Porn Explodes into America’s Homes—Where People Are Very, Very Unprepared

  Chapter 2.

  Moral Panics, Sex Panics, and PornPanic

  Chapter 3.

  Updating the Panic—The Public Health/Danger Model

  PART II.

  Brief Interludes

  Interlude A.

  The Nature of Sexual Fantasy

  Interlude B.

  Deep in the Valley: Going to a Porn Shoot

  Interlude C.

  The Myth of Porn’s Perfect Bodies

  Interlude D.

  Rule 34: What It Says About Your Sexuality

  Interlude E.

  No, Mabel, You Don’t Have to Compete with Porn Actresses

  Interlude F.

  Guys: More Curiosity and More Empathy Needed

  Interlude G.

  Is There Such a Thing as Gay (or Straight) Porn?

  Interlude H.

  How to Watch a Lot of Porn and Have Good Partner Sex, Too

  Interlude I.

  Does Porn Demean Women?

  Interlude J.

  45 Helpful Things You Can Learn from Porn

  PART III.

  About You and Yours

  Chapter 4.

  Your Kids and Porn

  Chapter 5.

  Sexting: Who Does It? How Does It Affect Kids?

  Chapter 6.

  Couples’ Conflicts About Porn—Innovative Approaches

  Case A.

  Rachel & Jackson: Porn as Infidelity (or, You Thought It = You Did It)

  Case B.

  John & Bora: The Man Who Tried to Communicate Through Porn

  Case C.

  Jevon: The Man Who Tried to Organize the Internet

  Chapter 7.

  How Does Porn Affect Consumers?

  Chapter 8.

  If You’re Concerned About Your Involvement with Porn

  Chapter 9.

  Why There’s No Such Thing as Porn Addiction—and Why It Matters

  Chapter 10.

  Increasing Porn Literacy and Sexual Intelligence for Therapists, Doctors, and Clergy

  Epilogue.

  A Complicated Consumer Product

  Notes

  Index

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  “How long did it take you to write the book?” Dozens of people ask this about every book I write, and I never know quite how to answer. I can tell you the day I sat down and started to type. I can tell you the day, months before that, when I sat down, looked out the window, and started thinking about where and how I would start. I can even tell you the day two years before that when I asked my agent about this next book I wanted to write.

  What I can’t really tell you is how many months and years I’ve been thinking about this topic: reading about it, corresponding about it, lecturing about it, giving interviews about it, inviting questions about it. And above all, writing about it: four dozen blogposts, two encyclopedia entries, and so on. How long did it take me to write this book? More or less a lifetime. As my reader, would you have it any other way?

  I tell you this to underline how important it is for me to be in dialogue with the world about my work. And while a writer necessarily works alone, I am fortunate to have the world’s smartest, kindest, and most sex-positive people as friends and colleagues. During lunch after lunch for two years, author Michael Castleman never stopped asking, “Are you going to write the damn book or not?” And when I finally did start writing, he kept being helpful.

  Thank you Doug Braun-Harvey, Melissa Fritchle, Paul Joannides, and Kate Sutton, who never tired of talking about this book.

  Thank you to the modest and much-loved Mark Kernes for research, legal reporting and illumination, networking, and friendship.

  For periodic conversations that challenge me or inspire me—and frequently make us both laugh—thank you Robert Badame, Ellyn Bader, Larry Hedges, Dagmar Herzog, Meg Kaplan, Ian Kerner, Dick Krueger, David Ley, Charles Moser, Margie Nichols, Pete Pearson, Clarissa Smith, and Caro
l Tavris. Thank you Jim Herriot for endless bike rides with endless, valuable conversations about sexuality.

  Thanks to the wonderful men and women of the First Amendment Lawyers Association, including Andy Contiguglia, Bob Corn-Revere, Clyde DeWitt, Jeffrey Douglas, Jennifer Kinsley, Mark Randazza, Lou Sirkin, and Larry Walters. What a privilege it is to have you walk me through the living, breathing labyrinth of American jurisprudence year after year. Your clarity of thought and commitment to principles are both breathtaking.

  Thanks to the participants of the Sexnet listserve, moderated by the fearless Michael Bailey. You people are brilliant, generous, intimidating, witty, and aggravating. What a pleasure to wince at your impatient, acid tongues and learn from your passionate, well-disciplined minds.

  Thanks to world-class researchers David Finkelhor, Bill Fisher, Mickey Diamond, Neil Malamuth, and Martin Weinberg. Generous colleagues all, talking to you is terrifying, embarrassing, and infinitely enriching.

  Thank you to my editor, Debbie Carvalko, who changed my life by buying America’s War on Sex for Praeger in 2004, and who thus knew exactly how complicated her life would become when she asked me to do another book. Thank you to my agent, Will Lippincott, a gentleman and ferocious advocate: in an industry that seems designed to frustrate writers, you are profoundly supportive.

  This is my seventh book with the same wonderful wife. Randi is more than smart and insightful; she’s my most important teacher, my co-author in every way imaginable. How else do you suppose I can do what I do?

  FAQS

  • Why a book about “His Porn, Her Pain?” What about women’s use of porn, or non-heterosexual couples?

  As a therapist, I work with men and women in every conceivable kind of relationship (and non-relationship) arrangement. I rarely hear complaints about porn use in same-gender couples, in polyamorous arrangements, or in open relationships. What every therapist hears about every week is heterosexual women complaining about their male partner’s use of pornography. So that’s what I decided to write about.

  There is, of course, more to say about pornography than just this configuration. Having written seven books, however, I’ve learned that trying to cover too much in a single book is unwise. I’ve also learned that no matter how broadly I write, someone will complain that I didn’t cover the specific issue that interests them. So I’ve learned not to try to discuss everything in any single book.

  • Why is there nothing in this book about child pornography?

  Because that is exactly what this book is NOT about. Child pornography is illegal, difficult to find, almost impossible to discover accidentally, and not made by any general-use commercial producer. It is made surreptitiously by people who know they are creating illegal images, to be consumed in secret by people who know they are consuming illegal images.

  By contrast, almost all of the pornography viewed by consumers in America features adults doing perfectly legal things. It is important that this common, legal activity be discussed without the distraction of the rare, illegal activity to which it bears very little resemblance.

  I am not saying that there is no child pornography. The production and consumption of these images poses significant legal and social issues. Those issues deserve a book of their own.

  • Is this book pro-porn?

  No. It’s neither pro-porn nor anti-porn. Virtually everyone’s life is now touched by pornography, and so the book examines ways we can better understand it, talk about, enjoy it if we wish, and tolerate others enjoying it if we don’t.

  • Why is there no definition of pornography here? What’s yours? What about erotica? How do you define “hard-core”?

  In general, “pornography” is sexually explicit materials intended to arouse. Because this is not a legal or medical textbook, I don’t think a more precise definition is necessary. “Erotica” is sexy stuff that people don’t want to condemn. “Hard-core” used to indicate a clear portrayal of genitalia during sex (intercourse, oral sex, or anal sex); now it mostly is a pejorative, meaning “porn that shows stuff I don’t want to see.”

  • Supporting the availability of porn, how can you call yourself a feminist?

  My feminism is the belief that people should have equal civil rights and civic responsibilities regardless of their gender. I also believe that sexuality is an essential, vibrant part of being both a woman and a man. Therefore portraying female and male sexuality—and supporting the enjoyment of each of those by others—is in keeping with feminism.

  Feminism does not require that we privilege the pain of some women about porn over the rights of porn consumers, male or female. Feminism does require that we honor the employment choices of adult actresses (and actors) and not patronize them by saying they don’t understand what they’re doing. Feminism also acknowledges that when women or men face limited economic opportunities—just like when they face a wide range of economic opportunities—different adults value different things in potential jobs.

  • Don’t you realize that many rapists look at porn?

  Yes, rapists look at porn. Tens of millions of non-rapists look at porn as well. In fact, the proportion of rapists and non-rapists who look at porn appears to be about the same.

  • Sure, pornography. But isn’t there a limit?

  Pornography doesn’t need “limits” any more than any other form of expression. The primary limit needs to be the consent of the participants, which of course would exclude all porn made with minors. The only possible exception to that would be sexy selfies that minors take of themselves and share with peers they trust for private use—a subject that needs far more sober discussion than it is currently getting.

  • Don’t you understand the emotional pain people are in about porn?

  Yes I do—in fact, because I’m known as a sex therapist with particular expertise in this area, I work with the issue of pornography and its attendant pain far more than most professionals. I take that pain—whether of consumers or their partners—seriously, and I have devoted a lot of time to thinking of innovative approaches to these difficulties.

  Everyone should be troubled by the contemporary idea that only people who are obsessively distraught about others’ pain or some social injustice actually notice, care, and understand. I care deeply about the pain some people feel about their own or their partner’s porn use—I’m just not willing to say that they’re ruined for life, or that they need special arrangements to keep from being triggered, or to exaggerate the mischief that porn causes.

  • Would you want your son or daughter to be a porn actor or actress?

  I would want my child to have lots and lots of occupational choices, from secretary of agriculture to junior high school teacher to struggling novelist to porn performer. I’m dismayed when people have only one very limited way to earn a living, whether it’s as a porn performer or working the graveyard shift at 7-Eleven.

  • Why are there 80 kajillion books about how porn ruined the author’s life, and only a handful of books like this—doesn’t that tell you something?

  It mostly tells me that I’m once again flouting the wisdom of the marketplace in favor of doing work that’s meaningful to me.

  I’m actually rather disturbed that so many people find their partner’s porn use upsetting. In general, I don’t think it’s porn that ruins people’s lives any more than golf or Downton Abbey. I do think there are people who either can’t or don’t want to moderate their own behavior. It’s easy to blame the external things to which people migrate, but isn’t it more honest to ask a person withdrawing from a relationship to get curious about their passion and their behavior, and ultimately to make different choices?

  • At what age do you think kids should watch porn?

  Pornography is a product specifically made for adults. It should be watched only by adults, particularly because most young people get virtually no help decoding porn from either parents or sex education. As with many other products designed for adults, however, many people u
nder the age of 18 view porn once, sporadically, or regularly. They deserve adults in their lives to acknowledge this and talk about it in helpful ways.

  • What kind of porn do you watch?

  As a therapist and social scientist, I never discuss my personal sex life. It would be unprofessional and distracting for readers.

  • Why doesn’t the book have any illustrations?

  To maximize the number of places the book can be displayed, sold and read.

  INTRODUCTION: “WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF AMERICA WERE FLOODED WITH FREE, HIGH-QUALITY PORNOGRAPHY?”

  Imagine that you and I were sitting in my backyard during the warm Labor Day weekend in 1999, sharing a nice bottle of Cabernet. “What do you suppose would happen,” you might have wondered playfully, “if America were flooded with free, high-quality pornography?”

  Now that would be an interesting question, and we would have enjoyed speculating about it together for 15 or 20 minutes. Would everyone go on a diet, wanting to look like a porn star? Would everyone get divorced? Would people stop using contraception, or stop having sex with their mate altogether? Would people quit their jobs so they could stay home and watch porn all the time? Would Playboy go out of business? Would sexual violence skyrocket? Plummet?

  We actually don’t need to guess about this, because only 12 months later, that’s exactly what happened: broadband Internet brought high-quality pornography into tens of millions of American homes—for free. Within just a few years, the entire country was wired. And watching. Do you know anyone who doesn’t use the Internet?

  In retrospect, some people call this paradise; others say that all hell broke loose. Either way, Americans are still watching, more than ever. Most of them are loving it. But for millions of men and women, the pain—and the anxiety—are piling up. They’re afraid for their marriages, their families, and their country. Some are even afraid for themselves.